The worst part of watching yourself die, isn’t the realisation that your life is over. It’s the fact that you have to see the reactions of people around you.
Lucas realised this when he had understood that he was outside of his body, staring as things unfolded as an outsider.
“I’m dead”, Lucas whispered to himself. He didn’t know where he was, everything around him was blurry and he couldn’t see anyone. He didn’t know how long it had been since he had been in the hospital and watched himself die. Watched how Ronald broke down and Farrah cried. Watched how Ramsey left, devastated look on his normally so emotionless face. Watched how his family came to the hospital; how his mother cried, his father started yelling “what happened?” and how his little sister, Emily, stood alone, tears running down on her face and dark eyes full of confusion, sadness and stress. It hurt but at the same time… Lucas was kind of glad that he could see his family and Ronald. Glad that he didn’t just fall into darkness after he died. Gosh, he was really gone, wasn’t he?
“I’m dead”, Lucas repeated, wrapped his arms around himself and walked back and forth in that blurry place, wherever that was.
He had remembered everything. At first everything seemed hazy but the more he thought about it, the more he remembered. He remembered every single detail. How Ramsey had taken him in the woods, how Ronald had told Ramsey to keep Lucas safe. How he had ended up on the cliff with Ransley. The fight. The fall. And then he had woken up in this blurry world and watched as an outsider how things happened in front of him. How he died.
Then he realised something: if he felt like this, how are everyone else? How are Ronald, his little sister, his parents? How are they dealing with this? A worry filled Lucas. He needed to see his family. He wanted to see his family.
Lucas stopped walking and looked around. He was in the Boyd’s living room. In the corner of his eyes everything seemed blurry, but as he focused his eyes on certain things, he could see them clearly.
His parents were standing in the middle of the living room, throwing their arms around and yelling at each other.
“How can you say that?” Mrs. Boyd yelled. “He is your son!”
“It doesn’t matter whether we cremate him or bury him!” Mr. Boyd yelled.
Oh, Lucas thought, they are talking about how to deal with my body. For some reason Lucas wasn’t surprised that they were fighting. His parents were always fighting. That’s how things worked in the Boyd household, but what bothered Lucas was that his death hadn’t changed that. Even his death couldn’t make Mr. & Mrs. Boyd stop fighting.
“I don’t care how much Lucas’ funeral will cost”, Mrs. Boyd said, tears glistening in her eyes. “He was a good boy, he deserves a beautiful ceremony.”
“He is dead!” Mr. Boyd hissed through his teeth and Lucas saw he was trying his best not to cry. “He won’t know whether we arrange a funeral or not!”
“Don’t say that”, Mrs. Boyd whispered and Lucas wanted to touch his mother’s shoulder, but he didn’t dare. Something stopped him. Mrs. Boyd started crying hard and Mr. Boyd wrapped his arms around her.
“I’m sorry, honey, but he is gone”, Mr. Boyd whispered quietly. “Our boy is gone.”
Lucas backed away from the living room, turning his eyes away from his parents and immediately they turned into a blurry mess as Lucas focused his eyes elsewhere. He couldn’t watch them any longer.
He walked through the house and saw that his little sister’s, Emily’s, bedroom door was open. He sneaked in, and for a moment he looked around in the room. Emily kept it usually very clean, but now it was a mess. His eyes focused on Emily who was sitting on the floor in front of her bed and staring at her hands.
Seeing the bubbly and outgoing, smart Emily being so… so devastated, hurt Lucas more than anything else. Coming to terms with the fact that he was dead was nothing, nothing, compared to the pain he felt when he saw his little sister suffering like that.
Lucas knew he had to thought about all that “hi, I’m dead” -thing, but right now he had other things to worry about; Emily. One thing in particular worried Lucas and that was how his parents were fighting and crying in the living room, abandoning their daughter alone in her room. What if his parents are so far inside their heads that they forget her? Emily was clearly hurting and what if she shuts down completely and their parents won’t even notice?
Emily needs them, Lucas thought. Emily needs Mum and Dad.
But Lucas wasn’t sure whether his parents were strong enough to pull themselves together and be there for their daughter.
“Emily”, Lucas said, but Emily didn’t react. She didn’t lift up her head or flinch or show any signs of hearing Lucas. “Emily, I’m okay. Alright? I’m okay.”
But Emily couldn’t hear him, Lucas realised that. He reached out his hand and tried to take Emily’s hand in his own. He couldn’t do that because his hand went straight through Emily’s hand; he couldn’t touch Emily.
He couldn’t feel anything.
Lucas realised this when he had understood that he was outside of his body, staring as things unfolded as an outsider.
“I’m dead”, Lucas whispered to himself. He didn’t know where he was, everything around him was blurry and he couldn’t see anyone. He didn’t know how long it had been since he had been in the hospital and watched himself die. Watched how Ronald broke down and Farrah cried. Watched how Ramsey left, devastated look on his normally so emotionless face. Watched how his family came to the hospital; how his mother cried, his father started yelling “what happened?” and how his little sister, Emily, stood alone, tears running down on her face and dark eyes full of confusion, sadness and stress. It hurt but at the same time… Lucas was kind of glad that he could see his family and Ronald. Glad that he didn’t just fall into darkness after he died. Gosh, he was really gone, wasn’t he?
“I’m dead”, Lucas repeated, wrapped his arms around himself and walked back and forth in that blurry place, wherever that was.
He had remembered everything. At first everything seemed hazy but the more he thought about it, the more he remembered. He remembered every single detail. How Ramsey had taken him in the woods, how Ronald had told Ramsey to keep Lucas safe. How he had ended up on the cliff with Ransley. The fight. The fall. And then he had woken up in this blurry world and watched as an outsider how things happened in front of him. How he died.
Then he realised something: if he felt like this, how are everyone else? How are Ronald, his little sister, his parents? How are they dealing with this? A worry filled Lucas. He needed to see his family. He wanted to see his family.
Lucas stopped walking and looked around. He was in the Boyd’s living room. In the corner of his eyes everything seemed blurry, but as he focused his eyes on certain things, he could see them clearly.
His parents were standing in the middle of the living room, throwing their arms around and yelling at each other.
“How can you say that?” Mrs. Boyd yelled. “He is your son!”
“It doesn’t matter whether we cremate him or bury him!” Mr. Boyd yelled.
Oh, Lucas thought, they are talking about how to deal with my body. For some reason Lucas wasn’t surprised that they were fighting. His parents were always fighting. That’s how things worked in the Boyd household, but what bothered Lucas was that his death hadn’t changed that. Even his death couldn’t make Mr. & Mrs. Boyd stop fighting.
“I don’t care how much Lucas’ funeral will cost”, Mrs. Boyd said, tears glistening in her eyes. “He was a good boy, he deserves a beautiful ceremony.”
“He is dead!” Mr. Boyd hissed through his teeth and Lucas saw he was trying his best not to cry. “He won’t know whether we arrange a funeral or not!”
“Don’t say that”, Mrs. Boyd whispered and Lucas wanted to touch his mother’s shoulder, but he didn’t dare. Something stopped him. Mrs. Boyd started crying hard and Mr. Boyd wrapped his arms around her.
“I’m sorry, honey, but he is gone”, Mr. Boyd whispered quietly. “Our boy is gone.”
Lucas backed away from the living room, turning his eyes away from his parents and immediately they turned into a blurry mess as Lucas focused his eyes elsewhere. He couldn’t watch them any longer.
He walked through the house and saw that his little sister’s, Emily’s, bedroom door was open. He sneaked in, and for a moment he looked around in the room. Emily kept it usually very clean, but now it was a mess. His eyes focused on Emily who was sitting on the floor in front of her bed and staring at her hands.
Seeing the bubbly and outgoing, smart Emily being so… so devastated, hurt Lucas more than anything else. Coming to terms with the fact that he was dead was nothing, nothing, compared to the pain he felt when he saw his little sister suffering like that.
Lucas knew he had to thought about all that “hi, I’m dead” -thing, but right now he had other things to worry about; Emily. One thing in particular worried Lucas and that was how his parents were fighting and crying in the living room, abandoning their daughter alone in her room. What if his parents are so far inside their heads that they forget her? Emily was clearly hurting and what if she shuts down completely and their parents won’t even notice?
Emily needs them, Lucas thought. Emily needs Mum and Dad.
But Lucas wasn’t sure whether his parents were strong enough to pull themselves together and be there for their daughter.
“Emily”, Lucas said, but Emily didn’t react. She didn’t lift up her head or flinch or show any signs of hearing Lucas. “Emily, I’m okay. Alright? I’m okay.”
But Emily couldn’t hear him, Lucas realised that. He reached out his hand and tried to take Emily’s hand in his own. He couldn’t do that because his hand went straight through Emily’s hand; he couldn’t touch Emily.
He couldn’t feel anything.